Confessions #3: The Great Copier Heaven In The Sky

Posted on by Dr. Linda Agnes Knowles

Confessions of a Former Church Secretary #3

THE GREAT COPIER HEAVEN IN THE SKY

By Linda A. Knowles

Brother Vincent, an elder in the church, grunted a hello at Poppy. He came over to her as she was throwing out a copier. When he saw what she was doing, he stood between her and the copier and sternly raised his voice, “Poppy, what are you doing?! Copiers cost a lot of money! Don’t you understand this?! You cannot throw this away!”

“But, Brother Vincent, it’s broken. Even the Copier Repair Man couldn’t resuscitate this thing. It prints globs of black ink on the paper and it failed every test the Copier Repair Man gave it. There is no redemption for this copier. “

But Brother Vincent insisted, “Call the Copier Guy again and have him come to fix it.”

“Brother Vincent, it would cost another $600.00 to get the Copier Repair Man back out here. They sent out what’s called a Specialist Copier Repair Man already. He said and I’m quoting the Specialist. He said, ‘How do I break this to you gently, Poppy? Your Copier has passed from this life into its next life to the Great Copier Heaven in the sky.'”

“So it’s not good then?”

“No, Brother Vincent, I’m sorry, but this copier is as dead as a doorknob.”

Brother Vincent was quiet for a moment as she could see he was thinking, “We may one day need to use this copier. So put it back in storage.”

“Brother Vincent, we have no storage room and it’s broken.”

“Well it prints. It just prints with globs of black ink. So it prints just not correctly so it’s still good. Just put it in storage. Do what I said,” he then left the office.

Pastor Grant came in and saw Poppy puzzled as she was putting the copier in the other room, “Didn’t you move that same copier out here to get rid of it?”

“Yes, Pastor.”

“Then, why are you moving it back to the other room?”

“Pastor Grant, Brother Vincent is 90 years old, and I have to respect my elders. I’m trying to make sure that if he strokes out that it is not because of me. It has to be because you told him the copier has got to go. Besides, you’re the Pastor. He has to listen to you.”

Confessions #1: Yeah, but is blood gushing out?

Posted on by Dr. Linda Agnes Knowles
Photo From clker.com

CONFESSIONS OF A FORMER CHURCH SECRETARY 1:

YEAH, BUT IS BLOOD GUSHING OUT?

By Linda A. Knowles

No one knows that the church secretary has many bosses as the church has members! At least that is what some church members think.

Daisy can never forget this one particular day, a member of the church who was named Juniper came up to the reception counter, “Daisy, I want to see the Pastor and I want to see him now.”

Daisy responded, “The Pastor is in prayer right now, but he should be finished in about two hours.”

This answer didn’t make Juniper a happy little camper and she became angry, raising her voice, “It’s an emergency, and you need to do your job and interrupt him now!”

Daisy was puzzled by Juniper’s demand and why she was raising her voice at Daisy who trying not to laugh at Juniper’s facial expressions, and Daisy responded accordingly, “I was told by the the Pastor that he is not to be interrupted by anything short of the building being on fire. Therefore, I cannot interrupt him unless you, someone else, or something has set the building on fire.”

All of sudden Juniper burst through the administrative office door which Daisy had forgotten to lock when Daisy had come in that morning and Juniper slammed the door shut.

“Why don’t you do your job?”

Daisy responded, “I am.” Then Daisy reached over and opened the administrative office door and kindly said, “I would appreciate it if you could please leave the office. I will let him know you stopped by when he is done.”

Clearly from the look on her face Juniper was more angry and so Juniper towered over Daisy, and Daisy just looked at her trying to remain serious and not burst out laughing. Daisy asked her, “Is there a problem?”

Juniper responded, “I pay YOUR salary and I pay tithes, and I expect YOU to do your job. “

Then Daisy proceeded to ask, “Did anyone fall and crack their head open?”

She yelled, “No, what kind of a stupid question is that?!”

Daisy said, “A perfectly legitimate question. Is blood gushing out of anyone because that would constitute an emergency?”

Juniper was exasperated and yelled louder, “DAISY! What is wrong with you? No one is gushing blood and no one needs an ambulance in case that is your next question.”

Daisy said, “I wasn’t going to ask you if anyone was in need of an ambulance. I had to determine the nature of the emergency. However, I was going to ask you if you or if anyone was stroking out or about to stroke out because we have a doctor on the premises right now.”

She screamed, “You are incorrigible.”

Suddenly Daisy burst out laughing, “I may be stubborn and obstinate, but I am not incorrigible.”