irony

Confessions of a Former Church Secretary #2

LOOK HOW WELL IT WENT FOR HIM!

By Linda A. Knowles

Wally came in for his work shift at the church. He was busy getting the trash from the administrative offices. Wally looked distraught so Poppy, who was sitting at her desk doing paperwork, figured she might as well ask, “Wally, what’s wrong?”

Wally looked at her, “Well, Ma’am, I’ve tried everything. I tried being a garbage man. That didn’t work and then I tried being a truck driver. That didn’t work either, and I have had a number of other jobs: What’s the name of that donut shop? It’s like two minutes up the street. I tried food delivery. You get the point. Now I have decided there is only one other thing that I have to try because it’s the only answer.”

Poppy now curious, “So what are you going to be now?”

Wally declared, “I’m going to be a pastor.” Poppy’s mouth hung open and was unable to find any words, “You see, Ma’am, nothing else has worked. So clearly the only right option is for me is to be a pastor.”

Poppy said in complete disbelief, finding her words, “But you hate working! You can’t even show up for your shift on time here at the church! What are you going to do as a Pastor?! You are aware Pastors do work, right?”

He looked at Poppy and spoke rather nonchalantly about being a pastor, “Look at how well it worked for Pastor Grant! He has it made in the shade.” Poppy was shaking her head and looking at Wally at the horror of the image she had of Wally being a pastor as he continued to talk, “I’m serious, Ma’am. Look at how well it worked for him! He sits back in his chair, talks for an hour on Wednesday, talks for an hour on Sunday morning and on Sunday Night. And he rakes in the cash!”

Poppy’s composure was about to give way, but she managed to keep her composure together as Wally continued to talk, “He has no worries, Ma’am! Everything goes well for him,” Poppy found herself tilting her head to the side as she was looking at Wally wondering to herself if she was really hearing what she was hearing as Wally continued to talk, “How difficult can it be to serve communion? Others do it for him. He has everyone doing everything for him. Look at how well it has worked for him! He doesn’t have to do anything. He just comes in, sits back in his chair, and he reads.”

Poppy looked at him, beside herself, “No, no, no, he doesn’t just read…”

Wally interjected, “Yes, Ma’am, he does. I’ve seen him. What would you know about what he does?!”

Poppy looked at him sternly and said, “I’m Pastor Grant’s secretary! Do you have any idea what it takes to be a pastor?! Can you do the preparatory work to be a pastor?! Do you know that being a pastor is a calling not just something to do?! Are you ready to buckle down to study Hermeneutics, Eschatology, Old Testament Survey, New Testament Survey?! Could you even sit long enough to study those and those are not the only other subjects you would have to study?! You think Pastor Grant does nothing! Have you seen his schedule?! He does hospital visits, is the chairman at every board meeting, has to keep up with the state of his flock no matter how many there are! He is on the phone praying with people, attends the week day and even night prayer meetings, meets with ministry leaders on a bi-weekly basis, disciples and mentors about five people at the moment, equips the members of the congregation to evangelize. He does marriage counseling, family counseling, and individual counseling! He leads an evangelism team and goes evangelizing in the inner city! He meets with city officials and serves on the board of the local bible college! So are you really thinking that being a pastor is the right option for you?!”

Wally was scratching his head and seemingly confused, “Ma’am, I have only one question.”

Scowling, Poppy asked, “What’s your question?”

Wally stated, “What do you mean by he has to keep up with the state of his flock?”

Poppy sighed, “Lord, help me.”